FOUL PLAY! PARENTS AND COACHES CAN SAVE GOOD
SPORTSMANSHIP FROM EXTINCTION
Article written by Mickey Rathbun
From Sports Parents magazine, June 1997
When a superstar
athlete misbehaves, his antics make headlines and TV news
everywhere—including, most likely, in your house. Your child gets a lesson in
sportsmanship, whether you like it or not. And it probably isn't the kind of
lesson you like.
What young athlete didn't
hear about the incident in which Baltimore Oriole second baseman Roberto Alomar
spit at umpire John Hirschbeck after the ump had ejected him from a game? Or
about Chicago Bull forward Dennis Rodman kicking a courtside cameraman? Or
stories of the day-to-day trash talk and showboating that go on in many NBA
games?
Not surprisingly, as bad
sportsmanship becomes more prevalent on the pro level, it seems to be more
common on junior levels as well. "If the pros get away with trash talking
and other bad behavior, who else do [kid athletes] have to emulate?" asks
Linda Petlichkoff, a professor of sports psychology at Boise State University.
Two recent examples
of this trickle-down trend:
WINNING IS
EVERYTHING?
Why can't athletes behave?
The prime obstacle, according to sports psychologists, is the win-at-all-cost
attitude many parents and coaches—and our culture, in general—instill in
kids. Even adults who try to teach kids that "It's how you play the game
that matters" are hard-pressed to compete with advertisements that tell
youngsters winning is everything. Take the sneaker advertisement that ran during
the Atlanta Olympics: "You Don't Win Silver. You Lose Gold."
Good
sportsmanship—playing by the rules, respecting opponents and officials, and
exalting hard work over outcome—is "one of the most important life
lessons," says Judy Dixon, who teaches tennis at the University of
Massachusetts at Amherst and runs tennis camps for children. "Most of us go
through life not being what society calls 'winners.' You need to teach kids that
it's okay to lose. Everyone has a place where they excel, and it isn't
necessarily sports."
What can parents and
coaches do to instill notions of fair play and good sportsmanship in children?
Plenty, say sports psychologists. Here's some advice from four experts to whom
we spoke.
SOUL-SEARCHING
Parents should start with
some "personal introspection," says Karen Partlow, national director
of the American Sport Education Program, in Champaign, Illinois. "Ask
yourself what you want your child to learn through playing sports. Do you want
your child to be rich and famous or a good person?"
Of course, those things
aren't mutually exclusive. But if Mom is pushing Junior to win, win, win so that
he can get a college scholarship or break into the pro ranks (both extremely
unlikely), chances are that some fair-play precepts may get lost along the way.
Partlow suggests parents
embrace healthy and attainable goals for their children's participation in
sports, such as developing new skills, learning to get along with others, and
dealing with the emotions that come with winning and losing. Once you have
determined your goals, help your children set attainable goals, such as learning
a new play, giving their all in practice and games, and controlling their anger
after bad calls or mistakes.
START YOUNG
Experts agree that kids
should be taught good sportsmanship as soon as they begin playing in a sports
program. This way, being a good sport becomes a natural part of their behavior.
"Even when children are toddlers, you can begin to talk about
consideration, respect, and fairness," says Dr. Michael Simon, a sports
psychology consultant in New York City. "As your kids become older and more
observant, ask them to give examples of behavior that reflect these concepts. If
they can't, help them think of some." For instance, Simon adds, "when
an opponent gets injured during a game, it's a sign of respect and consideration
to clap for him when he gets up to leave the game."
BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL
Children model the
behavior of adults they admire, and parents are generally No. 1 on that list. So
make sure your own sportsmanship is impeccable. Don't just cheer for the home
team. Show your appreciation when the opposing team makes a good play. After the
game, whether your child's team has won or lost, congratulate the opposing team
for playing well, and shake hands with the coach. If a call goes in favor of
your child's team but you see the call was wrong, speak up. And never, ever say
anything derogatory about a coach or player; kids learn to criticize from
adults.
STANDARDS AND
CONSEQUENCES
Set clear standards of
behavior and enforce them with a system of consequences. "If your child
misbehaves and the coach doesn't acknowledge his behavior, talk to the coach in
private later," says Alan Goldberg, a sports psychologist in Amherst,
Massachusetts. "Let the coach know that your child's behavior on the field
is not acceptable."
Regardless of what the
coach does, you are ultimately responsible for teaching your child good
sportsmanship. After the game, talk to your child about his behavior and, if
appropriate, punish him. If your child is really misbehaving on the field,
perhaps you should bench him for a future game.
Dallas Cowboy star
quarterback Troy Aikman was once given a not-so-private lecture by his mother
after he yelled at his coach during a Little League game. Troy had objected to
the coach putting in a player who Troy did not think was very good. "When I
yelled at Troy, it definitely made an impression," recalls Charlyn Aikman.
"I wanted him to consider the feelings of others. To this day, Troy
respects other players, as long as they try their hardest."
IT'S HOW YOU PLAY
THE GAME
Experts agree that
parents, coaches, and kids should define success as trying your hardest, not by
wins and losses. Indeed, "when a young athlete equates his self-worth with
winning, it's a losing proposition," says Partlow.
"A parent's reaction
to winning or losing is really key," says Dixon. "When your child
comes home after a game, don't just ask, 'Did you win?' What did you learn? How
did you play? How did the team play? What did you do well? What could you have
done better?' "
TEACH YOUR CHILD TO
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
When your child loses,
don't blame the officiating, the weather, faulty equipment, teammates, or some
other factor. Parents should help children "accurately assess their
performance, to acknowledge and take responsibility for it," says Partlow.
It's also important to acknowledge superior skill in other players.
Of course, there will be
times when referees and officials miss a call. Remind your child that the
officials are doing the best they can and that missed calls are just part of the
game, and of life.
DISCUSS WHAT YOU SEE
When watching sports
events with your children, take advantage of the opportunities to discuss what
you see. "Whether a player is arguing a bad call, kicking dirt, or simply
cursing another player, the parent has a wonderful opportunity to talk about the
situation, who is right and wrong, and how the problem could have been resolved
without the negative type of behavior," says Simon.
Likewise, there are a lot
of good sports out there, so point out examples of good sportsmanship, such as
the player who gives a helping hand to an opponent who has fallen down or a
player cooling down a teammate who has lost his temper.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Above all, says Partlow,
to build good sportsmanship " parents must demonstrate unconditional love
for their children, and coaches must demonstrate unconditional respect for their
athletes. They should say, 'Regardless of how you played tonight, that doesn't
change how I feel about you as my son or daughter or my athlete.' "
With proper nurturing by
parents and coaches, good sportsmanship can be saved.
ACTIVE WATCHING: Use
spectator sports to teach sportsmanship
Whether you're watching a
youth soccer game or viewing the World Series on TV, you can use what you see to
discuss appropriate behavior. Here are some ideas to get started:
ARE YOU A GOOD
SPORT?
A checklist for parents
and kids:
From Sports Parents magazine, June 1997